(scene opens in parlor, Carrot opening her suitcase)
Alpha: Glad you’re back home, mom. Did you get my Mother’s Day card.
Me: I did, sweetie, that was very nice.
Beta: Did you bring us anything?
Me: I did!
(pulls bag out of suitcase and hands it over)
(long silence)
Alpha: Are you serious?
Beta: What fresh hell?
Gamma: Mom? I don’t think that’s appropriate.
Delta: I want some!
Me: That’s my boy.
Husband: What are you, twelve?
Me: It made me laugh.
(Scene opens in mini-van, three of four children at top volume)
Husband: (pulls three dollars from his pocket) Okay! Hear this! I have a dollar for everyone who can keep their mouth shut until we get home!
Beta: Ok.
Husband: (drops one dollar) Beta’s out.
Beta: (outraged) …what! Wait! WAIT !THAT’S NOT FAIR I WAS JUST ACKNOWLEDGING I HEARD YOU! (proceeds to complain for the next twenty five miles)
Gamma: (hums to herself)
Delta: (stone silent)
Me: (laughs silently for the next thirty miles, pulling a rib muscle)
(scene opens in early morning dinning room, Husband and Carrot at the table)
Alpha: (wanders in, sleepy) I had some weird dreams.
Me: (sips coffee) Oh yeah? What were they about?
Alpha: (groggy) I was on a bus going some place. Me and my friends from school. And we were just going. And it was dark. And the ride just kept going and going and going. Like we were never going to get there…
Husband: (leans over, in stage whisper) I think he knows.
Me: (same whisper) Hush.
Alpha: (pauses uncertainly, then with determination) No. (stalks out of the room)
(Husband and Carrot laugh uproariously)
(scene opens in early morning dinning room, windows still dark)
Me: (still in bathrobe, coffee in hand, obviously up before go time)
Gamma: (bright, bubbly, dressed for school, playing on kid Kindle) Momma? How come you get to travel all the time and not me?
Me: (glances at 5:30 am clock time, to early to talk) Dunno.
Gamma: Is it because you’re the adult?
Me: (sighs) Maybe. (clutches coffee, closes eyes)
Gamma: Is it because you’re famous?
Me: (opens eyes) Not exactly. I’m Nerd Famous. Its a little different.
Gamma: (crosses arms) Well, I’m famous too. I’m the Princess of Dreamland and I should get to travel!
Me: (presses coffee cup to forehead) Well, if you’re the Princess of the Dreamlands, then maybe you need to spend more time there. Your people need you.
Gamma: (turns up nose, pokes at Kindle)
Me: (enters, drops backpack and duffle bag)
Husband: (gives welcome home kiss) Did you have fun?
Me: Yes. I’m also starved. What was for dinner? (opens fridge, hunting left overs)
Husband: Bacon and eggs.
Me: (disappointed) Oh. (continues to look for something else)
Husband: I had gotten them for breakfast but we ended up having them for dinner because the kids let me sleep in.
Me: (snaps up straight, repeats as if tasting unfamiliar words) They….they let you….sleep in?
Husband: (working hard for straight face) I asked them why they did that. They said that I looked tired.
Me: (lets ‘fridge door drift close, repeats slowly as if to understand alien concept) They let you sleep in (pause, as if thinking) because you looked (significant pause) tired?
Husband: (gives in to helpless laughter) I told them you were going to be pissed.
Me: Pissed, nothing. I’m going to straight up murderlize them.
(scene opens in full airplane)
Beta: (spastic) Look! Look! Look! (pointing out window)
Alpha: (white knuckled, grits) Could you not?
Me: (calmly reading Kindle) Alpha, it’s okay. We’re not even turbulent.
Beta: Yeah, Alpha, not like we’re about to drop out of the sky in a flaming wreck.
Alpha: Seriously? Why would you say that?
Me: We’re in a tin can being thrown through the air, held aloft by the Laws of Physics.
Alpha: MOM!
Me: Math is magic.
(scene opens in early morning kitchen, everyone in pjs)
Husband: Did you have fun on your trip yesterday?
Me: (fumbles tiredly with coffee cup) Oh yeah. We had a blast. Everyone was disappointed we weren’t spending the night, but I feel like I passed a test with all these road trips I’m suddenly being invited along on.
Husband: (sips tea) Oh yeah?
Me: Maybe I’m easy to travel with? I don’t have any feeding restrictions. I can sleep anywhere. I have no conversational filters and have limited hot button issues. I’m always up for an interesting side trip. I can tolerate a wide range of music.
Husband: (mildly) You are good at putting up with being annoyed.
Me: (ignoring implications) Oh, that reminds me. Pregnant Friend told me I’m #2 on her speed dial for when she needs back up on going into labor. Apparently husband faints at the sight of blood and not am I the only one she knows who’s done it a few times, but she’s betting I’m perfectly fine with casual random nudity.
Husband: You’re like the Universal Donor of Friendship.
(scene opens with two women looking over the map, making travel plans)
Her: This route will take us past the Cadillac Ranch. A few minutes out of our way, but good for a photo op.
Me: Does the brothel have a buffet? Is it even safe to eat at a brothel buffet? I don’t know the protocol on that.
Her: (stares incredulously)
Me: Am I thinking something else?
Her: (continues to stare)
Me: OH! Mustang Ranch! I totally confused my art installation with my famous brothel. Gotcha.
I’m in New Zealand now and so I am likely raving about a product that many of my State Bound friends will never know the joy of. Unless they travel. Which I endorse. Especially if they take me with them.
At any rate, I do adore a nice basket of fish and chips because who doesn’t? Heretics, maybe. However, I never understood the love of vinegar on said fish and chips. I don’t understand vinaigrettes. I don’t understand vinegar anything unless I’m using to it make pickles. Then I understand the beauty of vinegar. But for other food items? There are so many other condiments to use that the unpleasant vinegar taste need not be involved.
Until my gracious hosts introduced me to Ma Prenzel’s.
I’ve only enjoyed this particular vinegar sauce out of their assuredly equally amazing range of products. I was delighted to find that it does not taste like vinegar at all! It is garlic and salt and rich smoke and thick deliciousness on the tongue. The flavor is full, not bitter or sharp. I had it on a burger. I had it on my fries. I had it on everything they served me that night except for the chocolate. But I bet it would have been good on even that, but it seemed like I should not insult my hosts by dipping fine chocolate into garlic vinegar sauce. I’m imagining that it would pair perfectly with those big soft pretzels.
As of my hunt right now, they do not offer this fine product back home. I have not yet checked to see if it is possible to ship overseas and not sell my children to make the cost. Is it very probable that this particular culinary delight will remain a fond memory of an unforgettable trip that is not likely to be repeated. If you are traveling in New Zealand, I highly recommend you sample and bring some home if possible.
Me: Gamma, I’ll be gone three weeks.
Gamma: Like One, Two, Three?
Me: That’s 21 days.
Gamma: 21 Days?! That’s too long! You will forget to come home.
Me: No I won’t, honey.
Gamma: Mommy, the SCA is too far away.
