Tag: trolling

By Any Name

On By carrotkhanLeave a comment

(scene opens in cluttered dinning room, Carrot behind laptop at table)

(Beta enters from kitchen)

Me: (looks up, sees papers in Beta’s hand) Oh, did dad print out the Belegarth waiver for you?

Beta: (pouts) Yeah. He pre-filed a bunch of them so they’re on hand to sign. Look what he did!

Me: (takes papers shoved at her, eyebrows raise) Your fighter name is “Skippypants McDidn’tPickaName”?

Beta: Can you believe him?!

Me: I can. This is what happens when you don’t pick your own name. A name will be given.

(Husband enters from kitchen)

Me: Skippypants McDidn’tPickaName?

Husband: (looking pleased) Yup.

Me: Should have gone with Potato McTater.

Beta: (exasperated) Mom! You’re not helping!

Me: I cannot help. I can only enable.

Lighter Fluid

On By carrotkhanLeave a comment

Husbandly Text: Did you guys get there okay?

My Text: Yeah. Girls setting up tents now.

My Text: By the way.

My Text: One match. You tell Scoutmaster “Do you need Girl Scout Water for that fire?” to suck it.

Husbandly text: Nice. Beta says “You used a match?”

My Text: Ms. C texted me earlier to say she’s looking for Teen Boy Lawn Care. Tell Mr. Sassomancer that his free time this weekend is now spoken for.

That’s our cue.

On By carrotkhanLeave a comment

(scene opens in cluttered dinning room, children waiting for pie)

Me: (looks up from lap top, calls out) King Charles just knighted Brian May.

Husband: (comes into dinning room with pie)

Beta: Who’s Brian May and why is he important enough to be knighted?

Me: (looks to husband) Want to tell him why Brian May is important?

Husband: Oh. He’s a champion.

Beta: (stares in WTF)

Husband: (prepares the set up) As a young man…

Me: (not seeing where it was going) He killed a man.

Husband: (changes track) Put a gun up to his head.

Me: He pulled the trigger.

Husband: Now he’s….

Beta: (interrupting) Okay! I get it! I get it! Stop already! (crosses arms, sinks into his chair) Geez, you could just tell me.

Husband: Way more fun this way.

Anticipa…

On By carrotkhanLeave a comment

(scene opens in cluttered kitchen, conversation in progress)

Me: I’m really sorry they’re moving. I wanted to hang out with him more and make fun of each other.

Beta: (attempting to be witty) You’re bald! (crickets) And I’m out! (turns to leave)

Husband: Beta, come here.

Beta: (nervously edges toward the door room) No!

Husband: I said come here. (crosses room)

Beta: (whimpers)

(Husband embraces Beta gently, pats him on the back)

Husband: Sorry I missed your concert tonight. I heard you did a great job.

Beta: (confused, whimpers again) What just happened?

Husband: (lets him go, picks up tea mug, smiles)

Me: Good night, Beta.

Beta: (edges out of the room, slightly panicky) I don’t know what’s going on.

Me: (sotto voce) There is nothing he can do to you that is worse than your own imagination.

Husband: (smug humming)

Evidence of learning

On By carrotkhan1 Comment

(scene opens in apocalyptic parlor, boys playing Minecraft)

Gamma: (stomping in dramatically) I finally found the charger in my room! It was hiding from me! It hates me!

Alpha: (resigned) That is statistically impossible for being an inanimate object.

Gamma: (hotly) It’s hyperbole, Alpha. I’m not stupid.

Not a Rickroll

On By carrotkhanLeave a comment

(scene opens at dinner table)

Beta: My music teacher told me that I needed to watch 4:33.
Me: (processing) What?
Beta: 4:33. Both he and the orchestra teacher were laughing about it. It’s a music video.
Me: Oh! Yes. (starts laughing) Of course we can watch it. (calls up the orchestral version of John Cage’s 4’33)

(minute goes by)

Gamma: When are they going to start playing?
Beta: For real. They’re just sitting there.

(second minute goes by)

Beta: I don’t get it. Why is this funny?
Gamma: They’re not playing.

(third minute goes by)

Gamma: This is boring! Where’s the music?!
Beta: (extreme suffering) I don’t get it! Tell me why this is so funny!
Me: (calls up the sheet music for 4’33)
Beta: (incredulous) Rests. The whole thing is rests. Why the hell would anyone write a piece of just rests!? And why wouldn’t anyone think that’s funny?
Me: (starts giggling)