(scene opens in early morning parlor)
Beta: Have you heard of the Baldur’s Gate game? Its ridiculous.
Me: (yawning) I hear its one big flirt fest.
Beta: Oh yeah. Like everyone, literally everyone, is trying to get in you pants. Randomly. For no reason! After talking to them like once!
Me: Now you know what its like to be a woman.
Beta: (blinks) …..wow mom.
Me: *sips her coffee*
(scene opens in cluttered basement, conversation in progress)
Me: (handing Alpha a towel) Here, use this to clean up that spill.
Husband: (around corner) I see that you’ve fully embraced the RBG Controller lifestyle.
Me: What?
(Husband points to top of cabinet, switch controller charge station holding controllers with morphing rainbow lights along the side)
Alpha: Yeah, my ’tism is in full swing.
Me: You don’t have the ‘Tism, knock it off. But I love those! (said gleefully) Those are pretty!
Husband: (kisses Carrot’s forehead) Of course you do.
Alpha: I mean, sometimes when you’re obliterating heretic scum in the name of the Emperor, you want to feel like a pretty pretty princess.
Me: Right? Totes agree.
Alpha: (deep gravely voice) Brother….. (deep indrawn breath) ….where’s my tiara?
Husband: (sighing) I’m going back to work.
(scene opens in gloomy dinning room, Carrot at computer)
Gamma: (calls off stage) Mom! Can I come downstairs! I’m bored!
Me: (calls back) Nope. You can keep your Covid self in your room. Its what isolation means. Isolate.
Gamma: But I’m bored!
Me: You spent all of Spring Break locked in your room, why do you want out now?
Gamma: Dad took the tablet!
Me: (unsympathetic) Maybe that was because you won’t stay off the YouTube. Sorry about your luck. Do some art. Play with the felting kit I got you.
(time passes)
(Gamma enters the dinning room, masked)
Me: What are you doing out of your room?
Gamma: (muffled) Here. Can I have the tablet now?
Me: (somewhat impressed) Go ask dad. I don’t know where it is.
Gamma: MOM!
(cue laugh track, fade to black)
(scene opens in the car)
Liam: (in a hoarse voice) The best part about being home with strep is that the new Destiny raid drops today!
Me: (pretending interest) Huh.
Liam: Did you know that if you finish the new raid on the first day, you get a WWE style belt?
Me: Won’t match any of your skins.
Liam: No. Mom. You get a real WWE style belt! Tells everyone that you’re a First Day Finisher! Put it in a glass case!
Me: (mildly amused) Huh.
Liam: Don’t lie, mom. If you could have gotten a WWE belt for larping, you totally would have.
Me: I would have hung it up, but I wouldn’t have bothered putting it in a glass case.
Liam: (warming to the subject) You totally would have gone for it. You and your boys? Rolling in? Going after the boss?
Me: (deeply amused) Honey, I was the boss.
(scene opens in dim dining room, pandemic homeschool in session)
Delta: (climbing into his chair) Mommy, I was made for two things.
Me: (clutching coffee mug) Oh yeah?
Delta: Yeah. Eating chocolate and playing games!
Me: Those are good things.
Delta: And loving you! (big cheese five year old grin)
Me: (sound of heart melting) That’s three things.
Delta: Yeah. I made a mistake.
(scene opens in chaos filled parlor, video game war in progress)
Me: That’s it. (turns off Xbox, picks up remote) We’re going to watch something fun.
(collective groan from four children)
Me: Here. We’re going to watch the 2019 Marblelympics.
(silence as marble filled lego stands comes on the screen)
Alpha: (full of teen angst) What in fresh hell is this?
Gamma: I’m Green Ducks!
Delta: I’m Savage Speeders!
Beta: (scowls at the tv) This is cancer.
Husband: (rushes in) Who’s winning, did I miss anything?
Me: No, they just lit the torch.
Husband: This is very exciting. I hope Oceanics does well this year.
Alpha: That’s it, I’m going for a walk.
(scene opens in messy kitchen)
Gamma: (excited) Beta! I’ve been watch Minecraft YouTube! I know more Minecraft now!
Beta: (sweeping the floor and shitty about it) Oh yeah, how many blocks does it take…
Me: WE WILL NOT HAVE GATEKEEPING IN MY HOUSE!
Beta: (pouts)
Me: Hey Beta, do you know Dr. Who?
Beta: (pauses, lies badly) No.
Me: (knows his game) Try again. Hey, Beta, do you know Dr. Who?
Beta: Yeah.
Me: Oh yeah? Name them all.
Beta: (guilty grins)
Me: Oh, I guess you don’t know dick about Dr. Who. (gives the “understand?” look) That’s what it sounds like. Don’t. Do. It
(looks at the camera, breaks the fourth wall)
Me: Parents, don’t let your kids Gatekeep. It’s a dick move.
(scene opens in cluttered parlor, three kids, two player Skylander)
(Beta, Gamma, Delta arguing who’s playing)
Delta: You need to stop! My turn!
Beta: No. Stop. I’m telling you that this is my character and you can’t play it.
Gamma: But you’re not using it and I want to use it.
Beta: But its mine and I don’t want you using it.
Delta: I want a turn.
Me: (can no longer stand the bitching) ENOUGH! (rises from her chair) Gamma – get back to the table and finish the breakfast you forgot about. Delta, you play her character. Beta, we share our characters and you were using another one, so finish playing this level and you can use it later.
Beta: (bitchy) You know what? Never mind. (Gets up from chair) Just forget it. I quit.
Me: (enraged) Goddamnit, sit your ass back down. You made such a fuss I had to come over here and solve all your damn drama. You don’t get to quit now, you could have quit fifteen minutes ago before I had to get involved. Take your win, play your game, and next time keep your damn mouth shut.
Beta: (sits back down, pouts his entire way through a level)
(scene opens at cluttered dining room table)
Me: (frowning over embroidery hoop)
Gamma: (sitting stupidly close, poking at her tablet) Mom, which is a German horse breed? Shetland, Holsteiner, or Gelderland?
Me: (stops, perplexed) Why on earth are you asking me that?
Gamma: I’m playing Horse Haven and I can earn coins for answering horse questions.
Me: Oh. (thinks) Uh, I’d guess Holsteiner. (turns back to embroidery)
Gamma: Yes! (silent a moment) Mom? What’s the name of Alexander the Great’s horse? Is it…
Me: (doesn’t look up) Bucephalus.
Gamma: (jackpot noise from tablet) You’re right! I got a thousand coins! You’re so smart, mom.
Me: There have been times in my life I’ve been mocked for knowing that.
(scene opens in cluttered basement, laundry baskets overflowing with clean laundry)
Me: (folding) Boys, is the basket of laundry in front of the washer clean or dirty?
(pause for processing delay, Alpha muttering complex tactical plans into headphone)
Beta: Clean.
Me: Then can you move it off the dirty laundry pile?
Beta: (into headphone) Hang on, Online Friend, Mom’s talking to me. (pause for digital slaughter) Sure mom, just let me finish this.
Me: (casting about to appropriate basket) That’s fine. I… (stops to remember) Oh, right. Some of the clothes in that basket…
Beta: (into headphone) You need to get up to the platform.
Me: (interrupted, resets) There’s clothes in the basket that aren’t….
Alpha: (into headphone) I’m about five steps ahead of you, we’re running out of time.
Me: (starts to sweat) Delta’s clothes are in the basket…
Beta: (into head phones) Hold here a sec. (mashes some buttons) What did you want mom?
Me: (dazed blank stare, struggling to remember temporal placement)
Delta: (calls from the stairs) You need to se’arate Delta clo’s from you clo’s in ‘a bas’et, Beta.
Beta: Ok. Will do.
Me: (poleaxed) Thank you, Delta. I’m glad someone’s got my back.
(scene opens in cleaned parlor, new grandfather clock against the wall)
Beta: Now where did this clock come from?
Me: (dusting the wood gently) My grandparent’s. You probably never noticed it because Busia had the chimes off.
(clock strikes the half hour, Westminster Chimes ringing clear)
Beta: Ohmigod! Alpha! Come here! The clock got its ring from the clock in Five Nights at Freddy’s!
Me: (irked) No, the music comes a tower clock in England….
Beta: (interrupting hastily) Right, right. But that’s where we know the chimes from.
Me: (dismissive) Learn you some.
(multiple cut-scenes follow, shots through out the day of the chimes at the quarter hours, Alpha and Beta shouting out “Freddie clock!”)
Me: (completely unhinged) I SWEAR BY ALL THE OLD GODS AND THE NEW THAT THE NEXT ONE THAT CALLS THE WESTMINSTER CHIMES A “FREDDIE CLOCK” WILL BE SACRIFICED TO ERII SO HER REIGN MAY LAST FOREVER!
(scene opens in cluttered basement)
Beta: (narrating Minecraft) And a door here and then move some blocks. I should put in some bookcases too.
Me: (ignoring him, ironing pattern pieces)
Beta: Mom! I’m building Gamma a panic room!
Me: (vaguely) That’s nice of you.
Beta: Where she’ll never find it.
Me: (pause) That kinda defeats the point of a panic room, maybe? In a panic and can’t find the panic room?
Beta: I’m going to hide in it the next time we play and scare her! See? Panic room!
Me: You might be a bad brother.
Beta: (evil laugh) I know.
