Tag: winning

Phat Loot

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(scene opens in the car)

Liam: (in a hoarse voice) The best part about being home with strep is that the new Destiny raid drops today!

Me: (pretending interest) Huh.

Liam: Did you know that if you finish the new raid on the first day, you get a WWE style belt?

Me: Won’t match any of your skins.

Liam: No. Mom. You get a real WWE style belt! Tells everyone that you’re a First Day Finisher! Put it in a glass case!

Me: (mildly amused) Huh.

Liam: Don’t lie, mom. If you could have gotten a WWE belt for larping, you totally would have.

Me: I would have hung it up, but I wouldn’t have bothered putting it in a glass case.

Liam: (warming to the subject) You totally would have gone for it. You and your boys? Rolling in? Going after the boss?

Me: (deeply amused) Honey, I was the boss.

Either/Or

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(scene opens outside a strip mall DMV)

Me: (waiting out on the side walk)

Alpha: (walks up sheepishly)

Me: Well?

Alpha: I failed. I have to retake it.

Me: (takes a moment to consider body language) You’re lying to me.

Alpha: (smile brightens) Yes. I got it. I passed.

Me: (reaches into purse, pulls out bag of sour gummi Troll worms) Here. Congrats.

Alpha: (looks at bag) If I had failed, would you not have given it to me?

Me: You’d still get it. Then it’d be consolation candy. Like Break Up Ice Cream. Did you want to drive home?

Alpha: God no. I have candy to eat.

Poker Face

On By carrotkhan1 Comment

(scene opens in cluttered dining room)

Beta: (describing the gear needed for Welding class)

Me: (looks up from computer at Husband) So…now we’re buying him boots?

Husband: Something like Timberlands. Heavy duty work boots.

Me: (turns to Beta) Are you going to wear them all day?

Beta: No, they’ll stay in my locker.

Me: Finally using your locker? Glad someone knows what a locker is.

Beta: I have a locker in my welding classroom. I don’t use my real locker.

Husband: Only use your step-locker?

Me: (absentmindedly) What are you doing, step-locker?

Husband: (whips around to stare at Carrot)

Beta: (points at Carrot, yelling) NO!

Husband: (whips around to stare at Beta)

Me: Ha-ha. Outted you.

Beta: (flames bright red)

Husband: You’d better go to bed.

(Beta flees, stage left)

Husband: (to Carrot now laughing helplessly) I think this makes you the bad parent.

Carrot: (wipes tears) I’m okay with that.

Checking In

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(scene opens in basement)

Me: (quietly walking up behind Bigs, checking laptop screens for shenanigans) Are you both in class?

Both: (doesn’t move, wearing headphones) Yeah.

(shot Beta’s screen tiled with screens bearing kids’ names)

Beta: I’m in music class, the teacher is about to start

Me: (to Alpha) What about you?

(Alpha’s screen a single shot of an empty room)

Alpha: I’m watching my favorite YouTube. “Drying Paint”

Me: (doubles up laughing)

Beta: (to Alpha) Wow. You made her laugh.

Alpha: I didn’t just make her laugh. I got the wheeze out of her.

A little proud

On By carrotkhan2 Comments

(scene opens in evening dinning room)

Me: (weary in front of laptop)

Beta: (walks in with dog) I found something on my walk.

Me: (looks confused) What’s is that?

Beta: (hands it over) There’s a lot of money it it. That’s enough to help me get an Oculus, but that’s stealing. So I though you and dad could get it back to the guy.

Me: (stunned, opens wallet to see cash and cards) Uh, yeah. We can do that. That was good of you, Beta. It’s important to get all the cards and I.D.s back, but sometimes that cash is all someone has to get them through the month. This could be a life saver.

Beta: (shrugs, pleased and embarrassed, leaves stage left)

Bonding Moments

On By carrotkhan1 Comment

(scene opens on sidewalk for a twilight walk)

Me: (hopeful) So, Beta. Since we’re doing some mother-son bonding, is there anything you wanted to ask me about? Anything you were curious to know?

Beta: (thinks) Hmmm. Is cereal a soup?

Me: (sighs, disappointed) Yes.

Beta: (surprised) Wha….really? Oh. (doubles down) Are potatoes amazing?

Me: (more sighs) Yes.

Beta: Am I a potato?

Me: No.

Beta: (laughs in gotcha) So I’m not amazing?

Me: (gives up) Nice use of logic. This is what we’re doing now. Right. Okay, here we go. “God is love, love is blind, Ray Charles is blind, Ray Charles is God”.

(Beta stops in his tracks, Carrot continues to walk)

Beta: No. NO! That’t can’t….I don’t even know who Ray Charles is! It’s not true! If I don’t know who it is, it doesn’t work!

Me: (calls over her shoulder) Gotta refute better than that.

But Complaining is More Fun

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(scene opens in cluttered parlor, three kids, two player Skylander)

(Beta, Gamma, Delta arguing who’s playing)

Delta: You need to stop! My turn!

Beta: No. Stop. I’m telling you that this is my character and you can’t play it.

Gamma: But you’re not using it and I want to use it.

Beta: But its mine and I don’t want you using it.

Delta: I want a turn.

Me: (can no longer stand the bitching) ENOUGH! (rises from her chair) Gamma – get back to the table and finish the breakfast you forgot about. Delta, you play her character. Beta, we share our characters and you were using another one, so finish playing this level and you can use it later.

Beta: (bitchy) You know what? Never mind. (Gets up from chair) Just forget it. I quit.

Me: (enraged) Goddamnit, sit your ass back down. You made such a fuss I had to come over here and solve all your damn drama. You don’t get to quit now, you could have quit fifteen minutes ago before I had to get involved. Take your win, play your game, and next time keep your damn mouth shut.

Beta: (sits back down, pouts his entire way through a level)

I showed them

On By carrotkhan2 Comments

(scene opens at cluttered dining room table)

Me: (frowning over embroidery hoop)

Gamma: (sitting stupidly close, poking at her tablet) Mom, which is a German horse breed? Shetland, Holsteiner, or Gelderland?

Me: (stops, perplexed) Why on earth are you asking me that?

Gamma: I’m playing Horse Haven and I can earn coins for answering horse questions.

Me: Oh. (thinks) Uh, I’d guess Holsteiner. (turns back to embroidery)

Gamma: Yes! (silent a moment) Mom? What’s the name of Alexander the Great’s horse? Is it…

Me: (doesn’t look up) Bucephalus.

Gamma: (jackpot noise from tablet) You’re right! I got a thousand coins! You’re so smart, mom.

Me: There have been times in my life I’ve been mocked for knowing that.

Too through

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(scene opens in unexpectedly clean kitchen)

Alpha: (bent over sink, head under running water)
Me: …and I can tell when you don’t use shampoo when showering because it doesn’t look clean and smells greasy.
Alpha: What does greasy smell like? Fried chicken?
Me: No, not exactly. It smells like…
Beta: (shrieking from dining room) BEE! A BEE! (runs into kitchen) MOM! A BEE!
Me: (throws towel on Alpha, goes to dining room, sees exceptionally large paper wasp on the chandelier) It’s okay, guys. Everyone stay cool and get me a towel.
Alpha: (hands over damp hand towel from trying his hair)
Me: (twirls it, eyeing wasp on chandelier. Rethinking plan, steps up onto dining room table and crushes wasp into towel)
Beta: Yay mom! You got the bee!
Alpha: Way to go mom!
Gamma: You’re so brave.
Me: Yeah I was kinda scared there. (crushes towel tighter to kill wasp, drops it on kitchen floor after gasping in pain, runs to sink, puts hand under cold water) Quick! Who has their shoes on!?
Kids: (collectively panics)
Me: Damnit! Who has their shoes on?! (sees Alpha has one on) Alpha! Step on the towel! Still alive!
Alpha: (figuring it out) I will avenge the Mother! (stomps on towel repeatedly, declaring vengeance until wasp shoots out the side)
Kids: (scatter squealing)
Me: (feeling faint, resting head on faucet) Where is it?
Beta: Behind the door!
Alpha: I’m on it! (squashes wasp dead, cleans up carefully under direction)
Gamma: Are you okay mommy?
Me: (pulls hand out of water, surveys palm, determines it was just a tip, not a full sting) I’ll be okay. It only hurts a little now.
Beta: Mom? Why is your hairbrush on the stove boiling?
Me: (closes eyes against the morning) I found lice in my hairbrush today.
Kids (scatter squealing)